The Call to Service
It began with a phone call. Diana, a minister and spiritual teacher whom I deeply respected, asked if I felt called to help a man named Franck. Though I only knew him by name, the mission was clear: fly to his location and assist him on a flight to a specialized hospital in another country. He needed a companion to support his limited mobility.
Despite my history of travel-related panic attacks and concerns about my ability to be truly helpful, something in me immediately responded with enthusiasm. “Yes,” I said, feeling a mixture of excitement and nervousness.
“I want to be helpful” I thought. “This is an opportunity for service.”
I felt available and longed for more commitment to my spiritual path. This felt like a gift our of nowhere that I never could have imagined myself. I had already just decided to leave my job so I had the availability – or so I thought.
When Commitments Collide
As Diana and I began planning and praying for the trip, I was fully engaged. But simultaneously, another significant healing opportunity was developing in my life—what I will refer to as my “10-year plan.” This separate commitment also had vague details and an estimated timeframe that seemed to be converging with the travel plans.
I wanted to do both. “Spirit will work this out,” I told myself. “I can trust that.”
But here was my first mistake: I didn’t actually pray or listen for specific guidance. I created a “spiritual blanket” of generalized faith and assumed it was sufficient. I had my “yes,” and I had a spiritual teacher’s guidance. It didn’t even occur to me to to check in myself- to pray.
When the travel date was finally confirmed – landing exactly on the same day as my other commitment – I thought, “This must be my sign to cancel the other plan.” I felt disappointed and confused, but I had made a commitment to Diana and Franck. I would honor it. The plane tickets were purchased.
The Unexpected Confrontation
That same day I happened to be co-hosting a retreat with my spiritual mentor Ken. During the retreat I received another call from Diana: “The trip is off. I have canceled your tickets. I don’t feel you’re available for this.”
Her words hit me as if I had been knocked to the floor. Anger and defensiveness surged through me.
“What do you mean? I said yes! I want to be there! I did everything right. What the F—?”
Diana explained that from her perspective, I was giving nothing. I was absent. She felt she was doing all the work—all the prayer—while I was simply following along without truly connecting.
Shocked and confused, I turned immediately to Ken, expecting him to validate my perspective and tell me what to do next. Instead, he looked me straight in the eye and said just one word: “Pray.” Then he turned away, as if nothing more needed to be said.
The Garden Revelation
I left the retreat circle and stormed into the garden, my ego raging. I shouted in my mind. I stomped my feet. “I’ve done nothing wrong!” “I want to do both—why isn’t it working out?” “She is wrong! I have been available. I have done everything she asked.”
I let it all out: the grievance, the confusion, the pain of feeling rejected. I blamed Diana, convinced she was wrong about me.
And then, finally, I got quiet. A thought surfaced with startling clarity:
If you believe all this about her, then you must not believe in prayer… You must have been wrong about her. And if you’re wrong about her, you’re wrong about David. David is our shared teacher, and if you’re wrong about him, then you’re wrong about A Course in Miracles. About God. About every miracle, every moment of peace and joy you’ve experienced.
The Trust I Didn’t Know I Had
There it was—my moment of trust.
Did I believe all of it, or was I just playing a game? Had A Course in Miracles, had David, actually changed my life for the better?
The answer was undeniable: Yes.
There was no turning back. I realized I did trust—I just hadn’t been aware of it. If I held onto this grievance and kept attacking Diana in my mind, I would be letting go of all the teaching that had transformed my life.
Was that what I wanted? No.
I needed to look past the grievance and trust Diana—because in that moment, she was in her right mind while I was lost in confusion and pain.
The Conversation That Changed Everything
I called Diana back. She began defensively: “I’m not going to fight about this. The decision is made. There’s nothing else to say.”
“I know,” I responded. “You’re right. But can you explain it to me? Because I’m so, so confused about what happened.”
As we talked, the truth emerged: I had never even mentioned my other commitment. I had kept it to myself, hoping the conflict would somehow resolve itself. I had decided what the miracle should look like—I wanted to do both. I was “sacrificing” the other commitment and assuming Diana’s guidance was more important than my own intuition.
And most significantly, I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t getting clear. I was asking Diana to carry my spiritual weight.
She was right.
Three Profound Lessons
This experience revealed three essential truths that transformed my understanding of trust:
1. Trust Was Already Within Me
I already trusted—I just wasn’t conscious of it. The foundation was there; I simply needed to recognize it rather than waiting for trust to be externally validated or dramatically revealed.
2. Prayer Must Be Personal
I needed to stop relying on others to do my spiritual work, even those who seemed “further along” the path. No one else could build my connection with God. Prayer had to become a direct, personal practice—not something outsourced to spiritual authorities.
3. Substance Over Form
I had been fixating on the external details—the trip, the schedules, the logistics—instead of attending to the state of my mind. True spiritual work begins with intention and awareness, not with actions alone.
The Unexpected Gifts
What initially felt like rejection became the doorway to profound growth. Though I didn’t go on that trip with Franck, Diana and I began a two-year collaboration that stretched me toward deeper healing. Mystical experiences and miracles followed as I learned to trust my own connection with Spirit.
Diana became the answer to another prayer I hadn’t fully articulated—for support in form, for a mighty companion, for a mind-training partner who wouldn’t let me hide from my own truth.
And Franck? He started appearing everywhere in my spiritual journey! We became ministers on the same day. We both joined the prison ministry project. Our connection continued, proof that Spirit’s plan was greater than my limited vision.
As for the other commitment I ended up keeping—it led to a massive shift and the release of a major block to Love’s presence in my life.
Everything happened exactly as needed. Nothing went wrong.
When I stopped asking others to speak for God, I realized He had already answered. I just had to listen.
You know those moments when you have a big shift—an “aha!” moment—and everything changes from that one point? I don’t know about you, but for me, I often don’t recognize it in the moment. I only realize it afterward. And I think that’s on purpose, so I don’t interfere.
In this one moment, I found the answer to a prayer I’d been holding for three years: I want—I need—to trust, but I don’t know how. Please show me.
It was never about trusting people, but about trusting God. And yet, it was played out through people to gently (or somewhat gently, since the ego’s reaction is far from gentle!) guide me.
Here was the scenario: A minister and spiritual teacher, Diana called and asked if I felt to help a man I only knew by name, Franck. The task would be to fly to his location and assist him on his flight to a specialized hospital in another country—so he would have a mighty companion and support for his limited mobility. When she asked, I felt inspired and said yes. I was excited by the mission, if a little afraid of my ability to be helpful, especially since I’d previously experienced travel-related panic attacks. But lately, I had been traveling more, and that seemed to be a thing of the past.
There was no date set yet. I was relatively flexible, though at the time I had a job where I could be scheduled Monday through Friday (see McDonald’s posts!), and I had two kids to arrange care for if I went away. Other than that, my life was pretty calm and open.
We began the planning and praying for the trip. I was excited and all-in. At the same time, I was going through a big healing that I haven’t yet shared here—but if I do, it will be called the “10-year plan.” This involved another situation with an estimated date and vague details, also falling around the same timeframe. I wanted to do both.
Eventually, the other plan’s date was set. I thought, Spirit will work this out—I can trust that. I didn’t pray or listen for guidance. I bypassed that through a general spiritual blanket. I had my yes, and I thought that was enough. I had a spiritual teacher’s guidance—I didn’t need to check in myself. (Ha!)
Finally, the travel date was confirmed—and it fell exactly on the same date as the other commitment. I thought, Okay, I guess this is my sign to cancel the other plan, since I really felt to do this trip and had made a commitment. I was a little disappointed and confused that everything wasn’t just falling into place as I’d hoped. I was in a fog. On the call to purchase the tickets, I said nothing about the conflict. I had made a commitment and was going to stick to it. The tickets were purchased, and I returned to my day—which happened to be during a retreat I was co-hosting at a friend’s house. My spiritual mentor at the time, Ken, was leading the retreat. I was full-on in function, preparing and attending.
In the middle of the retreat, I got a call from Diana: “The trip is off. I don’t feel you’re available for this.”
I was in shock. Angry. Defensive. “What do you mean? I said yes! I want to be there! I did everything right. What the F—?”
It felt like a hit out of nowhere. She explained her perception: I was giving nothing. I was absent. She felt she was doing all the work (the prayer) and getting nothing from me. I was just following her—not truly connecting.
I was shocked. Above all else, I was confused. She told me I had to pray and find my own guidance, not just follow her.
I turned to my mentor—my go-to support for the past few years—expecting him to tell me what to do. I probably expected him to tell me I was right, too. Instead, he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Pray,” then turned away as if nothing more needed to be said.
It hit me like a thud. My ego was knocked down. I finally heard what she was saying, what he was saying, what Spirit was saying:
PRAY.
Stop running the show and ask.
Don’t ask another person. You need to find it yourself.
So I did. I left the retreat circle, went into the garden, and I prayed. I shouted. I stomped my feet. My ego cried, “I’ve done nothing wrong!” “I want to do both—why isn’t it working out?” “How dare this woman do this to me?”
I let it all fly: the grievance, the confusion, the pain of feeling rejected. I blamed her, and how wrong she was.
Then I got quiet, with this thought:
If you believe all this about her, then you must not believe in prayer… You must have been wrong about her. And if you’re wrong about her, you’re wrong about David. David is our shared teacher and if you’re wrong about him, then you’re wrong about A Course in Miracles. About God. About every miracle, every moment of peace and joy you’ve experienced.
There it was—my moment of trust.
Do I believe all of it, or am I just playing a game here?
Has ACIM… has David actually changed my life for the better?
No denying it now. Yes.
There’s no turning back now.
I do trust.
So if I hold onto this grievance and keep attacking her in my mind, I’m letting go of all the teaching.
Is that what I want?
No.
So I needed to look past the grievance and trust her—because in that moment, she was in her right mind and I was in confusion and pain.
I called her. She started with, “I’m not going to fight about this. The decision is made. There’s nothing else to say.”
I said something like, “I know. You’re right. But can you explain it to me? Because I’m so, so confused about what happened.”
She agreed to have the conversation and share what was really happening beyond the form. It was tense. My ego flared: “But I did do that! I did!”
Then it was revealed: I had never even mentioned the other commitment. I had kept it to myself, hoping it would just work out. I had decided what the miracle should look like – I wanted to do both. I was “sacrificing” the other commitment and assuming her guidance was better than my own.
And I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t getting clear.
That’s what she meant when she said I was giving nothing and asking her to carry me.
And… turns out… she was right.
This whole scenario pointed to three things:
- I do trust, I just wasn’t aware of it! I had to take the time to see it, not wait for it to be thrust upon me.
- I must pray more. I can’t rely on someone else just because they seem “further along.” I have to stop asking others to do it for me.
- It’s not about the form. I needed to stop looking at the form first and the mind second.
Not only did this trigger a profound experience of trust, but little did I know what would follow! That was not the end of the story but was the beginning of real trust. Though I didn’t go on that trip, a two-year collaboration with Dian began that would stretch and pull me toward deep healing and miracles and mystical moments followed.
I would come to see that she was an answer to another prayer—for support in form, for a mighty companion, for a mind-training partner.
And the man I was meant to help on that trip, Franck? He started popping up everywhere! We became ministers on the same day. We both joined the prison ministry project. We’re still connected. Still mighty companions.
As for the other commitment I ended up keeping – it too led to a huge shift and the release of a major block to Love’s presence. It was ALL used. Everything happened exactly as it needed and nothing went wrong.
When I stopped asking others to speak for God, I realized He’d already answered. I just had to listen.
